What I Need

So often I put my needs aside. Everyone else comes first in the daily flood, and it's all I can do just to tread water. I'm exhausted and spent by the middle of the day. Something needs to change. It's as simple as taking a minute to grab myself a life preserver, or better yet a deluxe raft, before I attend to everyone else. Then we can flow down the river together in peace and good spirits instead of having a desperate, wild-eyed captain wringing her hair out.

I've taken to hyper control of food/eating as a last survival tactic for my battered soul. Hoping that if I drop enough weight and starve myself enough, someone will notice and stop to help me. I could label it as an eating disorder, or I can just take it as a sign to GIVE TO MYSELF.

I need time and space to creatively process all this crazy change over the last 5 years and the last year. Changing countries. Having kids. Enough said. I want to write, paint, illustrate my stories, do all the things I was told I wasn't good at. Science, math, all the things I excelled at, have zero interest for me. I don't care anymore. Just let me be free to create wonderful works of art. Of course there's still money to think about, so fine, I'll do some contract work on the side and contribute to our growing wealth, but FIRST I need to make space to create.

I've added to my life vision of helping kids - bringing art and free, creative expression to kids AND TO MYSELF. Unschooling, service learning, these are all things I want for myself. *I* want to learn in freedom and play and not be shackled to worksheets and predefined activities as I've always been. *I* want to break free and express myself and bring others that freedom as well. Maybe sending art supplies to kids that can't afford any. Or creating a forum where kids can exchange and display their work. Or just sitting and drawing things *I* like and modeling it that way. Or just sitting and drawing things I like for the fun of it without any goal of modeling to strive for. I'm so sick of striving. I have so many rules and expectations driven into me like deep, imbedded nails, and I want them out. One painful excavation at a time. Maybe art can be my vehicle to recovery - just give me some way to get all the pain out.

So this is what I need in my life right now - to write and paint and give - to myself. And the giving to others will come.